It usually takes about six months for me to feel comfortable in a new job.  Six months and a lot of extra hours studying and preparing to measure up. In my career and life, fear was my biggest motivator—fear of failing, of opening myself up to criticism, of losing.  Fear pushed me outside my comfort zone and propelled my career forward, but that fearful journey to success could also be a joy robber. Eventually I learned a better way, but back then fear kept me up at night.

In my role as marketing instructor at the Xerox International Training Center in Leesburg, Virginia, I was well into my first year and had begun to feel steady and comfortable.  Jo and I had established a rhythm that worked well for our students. My structured style could get old just about the time Jo would reappear with her wit and lighter style. The students found the combination refreshing.    

RuthAnn, our highest headquarters boss, notified us that she would be visiting our classroom to observe our technical knowledge of the Xerox 800 word processor. That’s a time my worries went into full force, and I dreaded her visit. I feared I would not pass her intense scrutiny of my work, despite how much I had now learned.

Finally, the first day of her week-long visit arrived.  I was anxious and unsettled as I drove to work. Instead of stopping at the 7-Eleven for my morning coffee, I headed straight from my condo to the training facility so I could be prepared and poised by the time she walked into the classroom.  By now my vivid imagination had elevated RuthAnn to the highest peaks of knowledge. By now she was a technical genius in my mind and probably had a PhD in technology.

When I opened the door to the classroom that morning, she was already in the room handing out materials at each student’s place at the table.  “Good Morning,” she said cheerfully. My heart sank when I realized I didn’t have those few moments alone to settle in. “Good morning,” I replied.  “How was your flight?”

“Good,” she replied.  “Now, let’s get down to business.  What’s the first order of the day and, by the way, I’m handing out the official document on requirements for accurately teaching customers how to maximize productivity on the 800.  Each of these students needs to read this and be prepared to discuss later this week.”

RuthAnn was petite, immaculately groomed, and very attractive.  Her Oklahoma accent was charming and her blue eyes piercing. Her entire demeanor screamed efficiency.  Oh, I felt so out of control. I didn’t have much time to think, though, because the students would soon stream in to take their seats.

With butterflies and nerves, I went to the front of the class while RuthAnn staked out a position toward the back of the room.  From the moment I began to speak, she didn’t take her eyes off my performance. I felt a heavy, anxious feeling as if a big water-filled balloon would drop on my head from an upstairs balcony without warning.  To my surprise, and despite RuthAnn’s scrutiny, I eventually settled in and began to teach like I had for the past year. To her credit as a true professional, she didn’t interrupt nor contradict. This went on for the first two and a half days.  On the third day, I committed an unpardonable offence.

One of the students asked what happened to data which was deleted in the text of documents prepared on the Xerox 800.   I stated the answer I had heard others use and that I had been giving all along: “It goes to 800 heaven,” I calmly announced.  The students were usually amused by this response. Only, this time, the amusement was short-lived as I heard a big gasp from the back of the room.  RuthAnn was mortified.

At lunch time, she approached both Jo and me and pulled no punches.  “I could not believe what I was hearing,” she said. “There is no 800 heaven! Where in the world did you get that lame explanation?”  Then she took us deeply into the guts of the system as she explained how the technology really works when deletions and edits are made. With so much to learn, I had taken the easy way out.  Instead of digging in and seeking a deeper understanding of one of the most critical areas of the technology, I opted for a cute response. Even though most students accepted the description without challenge, I knew better.  

I learned my lesson well and from that moment forward, “800 heaven” never left my lips.  I became a spokesperson for the Xerox 800 by accurately explaining the technology. Thanks to RuthAnn, I was better and much more valuable in my job.  With a few more points of refinement, RuthAnn’s critique ended at the end of the long week. She flew home to Dallas, leaving me humbled yet richer for the experience.  I ran into RuthAnn a few times on business trips to Xerox offices in Dallas. I will always appreciate the positive impact she made on my life by reminding me to stay the course and not opt for an easy way out.  Staying the course is part of building integrity, and unquestionable integrity is a much-admired leadership quality.

With the technical assessment behind me, I turned my red face to a pet project I dreamed up:  Women’s Professional Protocol. The timing was perfect for a learning module on business decorum and demeanor, as record numbers of women were entering the work force.  A short while back when I made big changes in my professional image, I would have benefited greatly from a concise compact on how to put my best foot forward. John Malloy’s book, Dress for Success for Women, was a great start. But women needed multiple dimensions of information about how to be in the world of work. Men knew the protocols, but women were pioneering.   

I worked for months perfecting ideas of professionalism and etiquette for the working women of Xerox by applying what I had learned in my own transitional journey and through books or articles I could lay hands on.   The graphic artist for the training center, a good friend named Dick, created vibrant flip chart images to drive home each learning module including professionally dressed women in business suits, pumps, and briefcases. The class was a hit with students who took notes and paid close attention to the valuable information they could immediately apply.  Xerox top brass loved it, as they sought ways to stay on the progressive forefront of diversity. I was honored with a top corporate award. What a redemption for my indecorum with RuthAnn.

Before Xerox awarded me, however, they sent a high-potential corporate manager to Leesburg to observe as I taught the concepts of business dress, the art of the handshake, speaking for credibility through downward inflection, the power of good eye contact, and how to get our ideas heard using the language of the business.  My observer listened intently, offered a mixed review at the end, and flew back to headquarters the next day armed with his private notes. Despite the few points of criticism I received, he essentially gave high marks for initiative and a positive contribution to the corporation. My award was one of a limited number Xerox bestowed yearly.  To reinforce the corporation’s gratitude, they flew me and other award winners to New York on the sleek and elegant corporate jet. Xerox always celebrated its people.

About a year later, it was time for me to move on in my career.  With the abundance of leadership development Xerox provided each instructor during our tenure at the Training Center, we had an array of next steps available to us.  I had my heart set on sales or marketing. After a series of interviews, I was promoted to sales manager for a new division within Xerox and would be moving to Boston, Massachusetts.  I could not have been more thrilled. But first, I had to prepare my replacement.

Her name was Sue and she was a petite, gentle Southern woman…full of grace and beauty.  Her regional leaders highly recommended her for the position. Plain and simple, I was awful to her. So awful I feel disgraced by my behavior to this day.

For some reason unknown to me then, I resisted having Sue take my place in what would become one of the most favorite positions of my career.  I conducted her training sessions with icy coldness. I would not permit her to win. She didn’t say this right, nor that right. I didn’t like the way she approached certain topics.  I found fault with her technical knowledge. Imagine that! I knit picked and refused to acknowledge how good she would be in this new job. Finally, my usually easy-going boss Joe called me into his office and told me to knock it off.  Rightfully so. I had brought her to tears with my ego-needy, bullying ways.

Ego need is vulnerability and insecurity deep within the inner core of our being. It is accompanied by a strong need for positive reinforcement from external factors, often at the expense of others.  Our ego neediness cries out to win. And in so doing, someone has to lose. Its center of gravity is me, me, me.

The polar opposite of ego need is ego strength, which is inner-core confidence and security with a strong desire to help others win also.  Those who have it accept the natural ebb and flow of life, are the first to say “forgive me” for any transgression, and are the first to extend a helping hand to others.  Ego strength doesn’t take offense at other people’s perceived slights or omissions. With its win-win approach, ego strength is about we, we, we.

Now that I realize the difference between ego need and ego strength, I look back and see that I was coming from ego need which took me to my small place where I couldn’t be generous and my creativity shut down.  Back then, I needed to stay on top, to be #1, to be the best. I didn’t want some younger upstart looking better than me. I felt threatened and acted out my fears. Mostly, I didn’t want to give up control.

Had I approached the opportunity with ego strength, I would have aimed for a win-win outcome. Sue would gain a faster start in her new role through the give and take of relevant experience and knowledge; I would step gracefully into my own new career phase.

Follow me next time for the move to Boston. Once again, I encounter big changes and a foreboding learning curve.  Hear the outrageous advice my executive manager gave me when my sales numbers were too low. I’ll share how lonely it can be in a big city far from home and the triumph of hanging in there.

As for Sue, sometimes we don’t get a second chance with people who enter our lives. That’s why we need to get it right the first time.